Why do we always choose the wrong one? And keep repeating the same pattern? 為何老是瞎人摸象，老是挑錯人，搭錯車，上錯線呢? 更糟糕的是，為何老是重蹈覆轍呢?
How do we tell which is the right one? Is there any right one really existed on earth? 誰是亂世佳人與亂世公子呢? 白馬公主與黑馬王子呢? 他(她) 真的存在這地球上嗎? 是否需要火星人呢?
Why does even a “Very Mature” Christian have a hard time to discern people? Why don’t most of us have the basic gift of discerning? 為何非常”成熟”的基督徒也很難分辨人? 為何大多數基督徒沒有什麼太深的分辨恩賜?
After falling into a relationship, why do we so easy to drop into much more confused and lost a lot of basic discerning wisdom? 為何掉入情網後，人變得更呆滯，反而失去一般的分辨能力?
In a relationship, why do we easily alienate all other normal relationships and later get strained by current relationship? What kind of wisdom is this? 為何情網中，常常容易切斷與其他人的一般正常關係? 這是什麼樣的智慧呢?
How to cultivate wisdom of discerning for current and future relationship? Will solitude be a major turning point? Will our fear of loneliness strain wisdom of discerning? 如何培養分辨的智慧呢? 獨處是培養分辨智慧關鍵嗎? 當我們過度恐懼孤單時，是否也將分辨的智慧掐死呢?
What will a “Mature and Wise for discerning” person looks like? 一個成熟有智慧的人，會是什麼樣子呢?
What are we exactly pursuing? A Home? Then, what make a home? Mr. Right and Mrs. Right? Why are we missing home so much and still always lost the sense of home on this earth? 我們到底在追尋什麼? 一個 家嗎? 那，到底怎樣才能建立一個家呢? 白馬公主與黑馬王子嗎? 為何我們這樣想念一個家，在地球上，卻常常感受不到一個家?
Soul Searching from Scripture
從神的情書中，探索我們生命的靈魂:
Book of Ruth 路得記
How do Ruth and Boaz discerns each other under so much adversity and snares?
1. Why we are so easier to get hurts, wounded and depressed?
2. Why we are so easier to hurt others? And no one dare to mention to us and repeat the same error patterns?
3. How can we get healed from it and prevent the same patterns?
4. How deep will it impact relationships?
5. What is the root problem?
6. What will be a healthy relationship like?
Where am I going? Where are we going? 我要去哪呢? 我們到底要去哪呢?
Will there be a new world of future Hope? 未來真的有希望嗎?
Workshop Brainstorming:
Why is Gomer lost in love or nowhere, so much like us? 為何歌篾如此迷戀，以致無法自拔，就像我們許多時候一樣? (何西阿1:2,2:1-8)
Why did Hosea choose an unfavorable and impossible partner? How will you choose a partner? 為何何西阿去選擇一個非常不適合的對象? 你通常會如何選擇伴侶?
After Commitment to Gomer, why is Hosea able to focus on authentic Love, go against the tide of fake love? 何西阿委身之後，為何何西阿能夠與歌篾完全不同，不但沒有陷入迷戀，反而腦筋清楚，在逆境中能逆流而上，專心一志，全力挽回歌篾迷失的愛，真正所謂”海枯石爛，不離不棄，永遠相隨”? (何西阿1:3, 2:14-23, 3:1)
What do we learn from this? How do we apply at our very own lives? 我們從中學到什麼? 可以如何應用在自己的身上?
我想從一個故事開頭，在C.S. Lewis的童話故事書裡(The Voyage of the Dawn Treader)，有一個小男孩叫做，Eustace Scrubb，他非常的渴望權力，常常嘲笑別人，gossip別人，虐待動物，非常想得到大人的認可，有一天晚上，這個小男孩在山洞裡找到了非常多的寶藏，他開始幻想如何使用這些寶藏來取得更多的權力跟美好的生活，出乎意料地，原來只是一場夢，醒來之後他變成了一隻龍，因為這剛好反應他的內心，他的Greed，野心，他的權力慾望，把他變成了一個predator。
於是，在今年8月的時候，我搬到了紐約，一到了紐約，我的野心瞬間上升，我的apartment 就在East River旁邊，我可以從我的房間直接看到Manhattan，一開始看到紐約的夜景，我的野心幾乎快要爆開，另外，為了開始我的投資公司，我開始瘋狂投資股票，與開始認識Wall Streets的人，我周圍的朋友也開始一起投資，我覺得，只要我賺到了錢，我就會開心，我買了很多股票，都是風險很高的股票，ANDS,DSCO, MESA, CT, LEHMQ, C,GNVC, etc。有做藥的，有破產公司OTC 的股票，而在投資LEHMQ的過程中，我發現了一個驚人的事實，那檔股票，我在4天之內，賺了快200%，而且我押了蠻多的，但是我貪心沒有賣掉，最後，讓我少賺了，我竟然感覺像世界末日一樣，心裡極度憤怒，不滿，我的Greed膨脹到一種程度，讓我覺得超級痛苦，比虧錢還痛苦，賺了還痛苦，我的朋友Nelson(he is a Christian as well)說:{神就是要讓你了解，你的心在哪裡?} 另外，我深深的感覺到，我變成了錢的奴隸，錢是我的偶像(但是這只是Surface Idol:表面的偶像)，老實說，我不想被錢控制，但是我很怕，一旦我失去了，我就失去了一切。
另外，當我開始建立與Wall Street guys關係的時候，我真的發現Financial Industry，最主要就是搞錢，充滿inside trading與greed，更重要的事，這些公司完全沒有核心價值，完全就是在玩金錢遊戲，一堆So-called Wise Guys專門坑殺retail investors，資訊不平等，讓我感覺這些人的財富就是建築在合法的搞人，而我之前非常想當Banker，因為我感覺這感覺應該很棒，你可以mess up 別人的life，然後賺一堆錢，在2個禮拜之前，我去了一家Hedge fund company談合作，這些人的關係與Team還不錯，他們跟Nancy Pelosi(Congresswoman)的兒子很好，但是在meeting裡，我可以看得出來他們超級intense，無法放鬆，他們是錢的奴隸，而且我看得出來，他們過的很不開心，我開始想，這些生活真的是我要的嗎??
從小到大，我不斷的想要成為很powerful與wealthy的人，老實說，我希望扮演神的角色，我希望變成超級powerful，希望當我說出一句話的時候，沒有人敢反抗，所以我不斷的研究過去歷史中拿到最高權力的人的決策與思考邏輯，我發現，就是要不擇手段，而且下手一定不能留情，我要承認的就是，在過去大學創業時，我曾經對不起我的投資人，雖然是合法的手段，但是我的野心與控制欲，讓我誤以為誠實與良善，是錯誤的，是軟弱的，我開始變得驕傲，狂妄，自以為聰明(其實是世界上最蠢的人)，我也開始只結交很多可以幫助我的朋友，變的很算計，當我看到一個人的時候，我會開始想這個人的背景可以帶給我多少幫助，我開始覺得我的人生的目的，就是追求這一切，但是如過那是真的，為什麼我會如此的痛苦?為什麼我會焦慮?為什麼我會不滿足?為什麼我在追求過程中，還是不滿足? 另外，當我念了MBA(TOP 100 in the world)，我覺得ranking不夠好，我很不開心，我申請更好的學校，中了USC跟NYU，為什麼我念了NYU，還是不開心呢?現在我開始想，雙碩士不夠，我要去Harvard念PHD，但是，難道這樣就會開心嗎??為什麼我還是這麼不滿足與痛苦呢?可能的理由就是，我把我的權力欲望，控制欲望，當成我最深的偶像，這些偶像大過於我們的主，唯一的神，Jesus Christ! 在不知不覺中，我也變成了那個小男孩。
Party and Alcohol:
以前心情不好的時候，或是空虛的時候，我會跟朋友去clubbing瘋狂party，或是狂喝，更年輕時，甚至抽麻，嗑藥(Only Party Drugs)，一度感覺到喜樂，但是後來只掉入更深的空虛裡，因為這些只是在逃避問題，我想找替代的道路，找到真正的喜樂與滿足，但是這是不可能的，因為Jesus Christ說:{我是道路，真理，生命，唯有透過我，才能到父那裏去。} 到父那裏去，不只是上天堂，而是藉由Jesus Christ 的grace，讓我們得到喜樂，平安。
令我吃驚的是，我的偶像崇拜也發生在侍奉神上面，雖然我一年來已經沒有再跟女生發生關係，但是我的權力慾望，控制欲望，野心，自尊，完美主義卻延伸到教會裡，只要有小組討論時，我就會想要控制談話內容，想要改變人的想法in my way，用聖經的道理來壓人(我花了點時間在聖經上)，改變教會權力結構問題，證明”我”才是對的，我想要得到人的榮耀，而且搶了神的榮耀，我以為我在服侍神，其實我是在服事我心裡的假神，自尊，power。
During my four years in college, alumni who came back to the fellowship shared feedback that varied widely with regards to the life after graduation, but one thing remained a consensus: finding a Christian fellowship and church that was as intimate, as intellectual, as “good” as the one they had in college was a struggle. When graduation this June brought an end to my late night sleepovers at the library and growing disillusion by this “life of the Mind” my school had promised when I first entered, I was also left with the realization that I was leaving the safe haven of my campus student fellowship, the single defining experience of my college career and where I had encountered the Lord powerfully and experienced the greatest growth in my spiritual walk. Small groups, large groups, and conferences predominated by young adults who shared my socioeconomic, cultural, and education background were essentially all that I knew and had as the context to my Christian faith up until this point. I came to Boston in September (for grad school) with very little idea and almost no expectations as to how my faith was to be sustained and perpetuated over the next two years. And true to most blessings that come from the Lord, what He provided me with the brothers and sisters at Emmanuel fellowship went far, far beyond the limits of what I could have expected or hoped for.
The first night I attended the fellowship, I was completely thrown off by simply everything about it. All around the room, there was so much chatter, so much laughter, and so much Chinese being emanated – the intensity of all three at a level which I had previously never experienced in a worship setting. As we went around the room introducing ourselves and later, when taking turns reading from a passage in Acts, I remember marveling to myself that even though we were clearly all of Chinese descent, I had never been in a more diverse group of fellowshippers. It was a hodgepodge of accents, expressions and mannerism that could only have come from vastly different upbringings and life stories. It didn’t take long for me to realize that my being there, as a Chinese girl who grew up in Texas, with enough language background for everyday Mandarin conversation but not quite enough to read the Chinese Bible without prompting, having grown up in a traditional Chinese church yet coming out of a four year UChicago education having the kind of faith that was fostered from that particular intellectually-driven and spiritually-hostile environment, only further added to this colorful and motley canvass upon which God can even more manifest the unlimited extent of His miraculous power and love which do not lay subject to the conventional wisdom that unity can only be achieved through homogeneity.
As I’m reflecting on my experience from these 3 months, I find myself feeling a small need to write about challenges I faced or daunting barriers I was confronted with, but in true reality, these past 3 months have been nothing but joy and wonderful memories for me as I grew closer to the brothers and sisters and began to hear, observe and piece together the stories of their journeys to coming to Christ and their struggles in reconciling the expectations and ideas of their past with the freedom of this new life and pursuit in the Lord, and whatever discomfort I may have felt at any point are eclipsed by the satisfaction in my heart of where the Lord has brought me to and the brothers and sisters He’s given me now. However, I will share a few brief stories of moments when I was made fully aware of the difference of my faith context and the limitations of my language skills.
Growing up on traditional English hymns and later on to Hillsong and Chris Tomlin, I could never shake the slight awkwardness I always felt with hearing worship songs in another language. Featured most prominently were the few Chinese songs I had heard my parents sings, since their tune and style most always reminded me of Chinese pop music, which I most certainly did not associate with anything holy or of God. So you can imagine the weirdness I felt in the beginning when we sang from a compilation of exclusively Chinese songs. Just having my reflexes register the characters quickly enough was a feat unto itself much less stringing them together to a tune and a beat. I originally had simply condemned this as an aspect of worship I could never overcome, but as I sang more and more and became familiar with the lyrics and music, I was surprised to see the songs reflect the feelings in my heart and move me powerfully. This is a tremendous miracle I experienced in these past few months and I am so thankful now to be enjoying worship time and even sharing songs with my parents.
The first time I was asked to lead Bible study, I was so nervous and apprehensive of the fact that not only will I need to know the passage in Chinese and to provide historical background, but also that I would just not know how to transition the discussion or respond to questions. In my fearful state, I made a worksheet that I would pass out to everyone that night and would hopefully direct the flow of the study. Much to my dismay, the pain-staking effort I put into putting in all the passage references and outline was not so well received. I remember everyone around the table being slightly confused by what they were supposed to do with the blanks on the sheet. In my nervousness, I brought out the tool that had proven so useful in college with my small group members, who would have seen this worksheet and understood it to be an outline to abide by. However, it was not something familiar to the brothers and sisters here, and I learned from that very trying night about the dynamics of leading a bible study in this new setting. After speaking with coworker，I was encouraged to lay down these man-made tools and just bring the entire process before the Lord through prayer. The bible study the following week was probably the best bible study I had ever led, and there wasn’t a single worksheet outline to be found.
There is so much more I can share about the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord I had experienced since coming here. I know with confidence that this is the place the Lord has brought me to – to stretch me, to grow me, to have me experience His magnitude and grace more clearly and completely. Even now, as I’m finishing this sharing, I cannot but smile thinking of the goodness of the Lord and of all the brothers and sisters I will see tomorrow on Sunday. Praise be to God and I know that if I am ever to go back to my alma mater, it is a wonderful and hopeful message I will be bringing to the younger brothers and sisters there of the life after graduation when the Lord is in control.
During my four years in college, alumni who came back to the fellowship shared feedback that varied widely with regards to the life after graduation, but one thing remained a consensus: finding a Christian fellowship and church that was as intimate, as intellectual, as “good” as the one they had in college was a struggle. When graduation this June brought an end to my late night sleepovers at the library and growing disillusion by this “life of the Mind” my school had promised when I first entered, I was also left with the realization that I was leaving the safe haven of my campus student fellowship, the single defining experience of my college career and where I had encountered the Lord powerfully and experienced the greatest growth in my spiritual walk. Small groups, large groups, and conferences predominated by young adults who shared my socioeconomic, cultural, and education background were essentially all that I knew and had as the context to my Christian faith up until this point. I came to Boston in September (for grad school) with very little idea and almost no expectations as to how my faith was to be sustained and perpetuated over the next two years. And true to most blessings that come from the Lord, what He provided me with the brothers and sisters at Emmanuel fellowship went far, far beyond the limits of what I could have expected or hoped for.
The first night I attended the fellowship, I was completely thrown off by simply everything about it. All around the room, there was so much chatter, so much laughter, and so much Chinese being emanated – the intensity of all three at a level which I had previously never experienced in a worship setting. As we went around the room introducing ourselves and later, when taking turns reading from a passage in Acts, I remember marveling to myself that even though we were clearly all of Chinese descent, I had never been in a more diverse group of fellowshippers. It was a hodgepodge of accents, expressions and mannerism that could only have come from vastly different upbringings and life stories. It didn’t take long for me to realize that my being there, as a Chinese girl who grew up in Texas, with enough language background for everyday Mandarin conversation but not quite enough to read the Chinese Bible without prompting, having grown up in a traditional Chinese church yet coming out of a four year UChicago education having the kind of faith that was fostered from that particular intellectually-driven and spiritually-hostile environment, only further added to this colorful and motley canvass upon which God can even more manifest the unlimited extent of His miraculous power and love which do not lay subject to the conventional wisdom that unity can only be achieved through homogeneity.
As I’m reflecting on my experience from these 3 months, I find myself feeling a small need to write about challenges I faced or daunting barriers I was confronted with, but in true reality, these past 3 months have been nothing but joy and wonderful memories for me as I grew closer to the brothers and sisters and began to hear, observe and piece together the stories of their journeys to coming to Christ and their struggles in reconciling the expectations and ideas of their past with the freedom of this new life and pursuit in the Lord, and whatever discomfort I may have felt at any point are eclipsed by the satisfaction in my heart of where the Lord has brought me to and the brothers and sisters He’s given me now. However, I will share a few brief stories of moments when I was made fully aware of the difference of my faith context and the limitations of my language skills. Growing up on traditional English hymns and later on to Hillsong and Chris Tomlin, I could never shake the slight awkwardness I always felt with hearing worship songs in another language. Featured most prominently were the few Chinese songs I had heard my parents sings, since their tune and style most always reminded me of Chinese pop music, which I most certainly did not associate with anything holy or of God. So you can imagine the weirdness I felt in the beginning when we sang from a compilation of exclusively Chinese songs. Just having my reflexes register the characters quickly enough was a feat unto itself much less stringing them together to a tune and a beat. I originally had simply condemned this as an aspect of worship I could never overcome, but as I sang more and more and became familiar with the lyrics and music, I was surprised to see the songs reflect the feelings in my heart and move me powerfully. This is a tremendous miracle I experienced in these past few months and I am so thankful now to be enjoying worship time and even sharing songs with my parents.
The first time I was asked to lead Bible study, I was so nervous and apprehensive of the fact that not only will I need to know the passage in Chinese and to provide historical background, but also that I would just not know how to transition the discussion or respond to questions. In my fearful state, I made a worksheet that I would pass out to everyone that night and would hopefully direct the flow of the study. Much to my dismay, the pain-staking effort I put into putting in all the passage references and outline was not so well received. I remember everyone around the table being slightly confused by what they were supposed to do with the blanks on the sheet. In my nervousness, I brought out the tool that had proven so useful in college with my small group members, who would have seen this worksheet and understood it to be an outline to abide by. However, it was not something familiar to the brothers and sisters here, and I learned from that very trying night about the dynamics of leading a bible study in this new setting. After speaking with coworker，I was encouraged to lay down these man-made tools and just bring the entire process before the Lord through prayer. The bible study the following week was probably the best bible study I had ever led, and there wasn’t a single worksheet outline to be found.
There is so much more I can share about the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord I had experienced since coming here. I know with confidence that this is the place the Lord has brought me to – to stretch me, to grow me, to have me experience His magnitude and grace more clearly and completely. Even now, as I’m finishing this sharing, I cannot but smile thinking of the goodness of the Lord and of all the brothers and sisters I will see tomorrow on Sunday. Praise be to God and I know that if I am ever to go back to my alma mater, it is a wonderful and hopeful message I will be bringing to the younger brothers and sisters there of the life after graduation when the Lord is in control.
Num 20:10-13 摩西、亞倫就招聚會眾到磐石前。摩西說：「你們這些背叛的人聽我說：我為你們使水從這磐石中流出來嗎？」 11 摩西舉手，用杖擊打磐石兩下，就有許多水流出來，會眾和他們的牲畜都喝了。 12 耶和華對摩西、亞倫說：「因為你們不信我，不在以色列人眼前尊我為聖，所以你們必不得領這會眾進我所賜給他們的地去。」 13 這水名叫米利巴水是因以色列人向耶和華爭鬧，耶和華就在他們面前顯為聖。
